A pink unicorn named Lance
by Lyra Belacqua
Summary: Umm this is a really weird story. Please read it, it's really short. Review it too, i like to see what people think of my fics!!!!
1. Default Chapter

One day, Harry Potter was sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room with Ron and Hermione.

"Hey guys!" Harry said.

"Hey Harry!" They said.

Suddenly, the portrait of the fat lady ripped open, and standing there was Voldemort!!!

"OH NO!!!!" Ron screamed.

Harry just stood there, looking rather bored.

"Harry, watch out! It's Voldemort!" Ron warned him.

"So what," Harry said, "He is seriously never gonna kill me. I mean, there are gonna be 7 books, aren't there? I can't die."

Voldemort took out his wand and cast that killing spell thing. But it bounced off Harry's scar and hit Neville just as he walked into the room.

"You killed Neville!" Ron screamed, "I loved Neville! He was my heart's desire, but I never got to tell him… Now it's too late! You bitch!"

Ron lunged at Voldemort, but it was too late. Voldemort killed Ron.

Harry ran to Hermione.

"I don't want it to be too late," He whispered in her ear, "I love you Hermione, and I always have."

Somehow, Cho Chang heard Harry say that and she came into the common room. 

"But you're supposed to love me!" she shouted. She cast the death spell on Harry but it bounced off Harry and hit her. She died.

"Well I guess it's for the best," Harry sighed.

But then, Voldemort did some new special little spelly thingy, and he killed Harry. 

Hermione ran to Voldemort.

"Oh Voldemort! I love you! Take me away with you!" Hermione said, clinging to Voldemort.

"Well, this is kind of gross, since I'm like 50 years older than you." Voldemort said, in his icy cold, but manly voice.

"Oh but Voldie Boy (that was Hermione's pet name for him), age makes no difference to me!"

"Sooooooo then, you wanna hook up? I've got this pink unicorn outside and we can like, go elope or something." Voldemort said.

"Oh that would be marvelous!" Hermione crooned. 

The went outside and they got on the pink unicorn's back. For some reason Voldemort had a baby with the pink unicorn, and the baby was a blob. The unicorn died. Voldemort and Hermione lived in a shack, and took care of the blob, but Hermione was mad because the blob was brown, so she painted it the Gryffindor colors. Unfortunately, Voldemort got mad and painted it the Slytherin colors. Then the ghost of the pink unicorn came to haunt Voldie.

"I AMMM LANNCEEE, THEEE PINNNKK UNNICCCORRRN!!!!" said the ghost.

"AAHHHH!!!" Voldemort screamed, "I didn't know you were a guy! How did I have a baby blob with a guy pink unicorn?" 

~~~~~Sorry it's so weird. I am a huge Harry Potter fan, so you can write flames about how this makes fun of harry potter if ya want, but seriously I just did this when I was bored, and very, very sick.


	2. In which many more strange twisted perve...

~~~You'll have to remember what just happened to understand this…

"WE HAD IT WITH LOVEEEE…. And the help of artificial ovaries and other shit." Lance finished.

"Oh ok now it ALL makes sense." Voldemort said.

Just then, Harry Potter came back to life.

"I have been living in a trashcan long enough Voldemort!!! It is time that you give me back Hermione. She loves me, not you!!!!" Harry screemed.

"Why don't you ask her yourself, you hermaphrodite." Voldemort said in a sexy growling voice.

"I want you." Harry said to Voldemort.

So harry and voldemort had hot sex on the ground, and afterwards had a lovely orgy with lance also involved.

Hermione ran outside.

"But Voldie! How could you!" She wailed.

"I dunno. You just couldn't give me what I wanted and harry and lance could. That's really all there is to it."

"Fine then. I found a house elf I like better than you anyways. Her name is winky. She'll give me what I want."

So Hermione stomped off and threw her bushy hair back.

"She thinks way too much of herself," said harry.

"Whats the difference between a transvestite and a hermaphrodite?" Voldie asked.

"You are such a loser. I cant believe I ever had sex with you. Now Lance on the other hand…."

Harry turned to Lance, and Lance said,

"Da da da da bum bum….. can't touch this…. Can't touch this…"

"Whatever," sighed Harry, "you are a loser too. I can't stand this. Im going back to my trashcan where I can find hamburger wrappers that appreciate me!!!!"

"BUT IM LANCE, THE PINK UNICORN!!!"

just then, something awful happened….

~~~ Lol, you'll have to wait to find out what!!! I know this is really really sick, but seriously isn't it a little funny? I like flames too so if you hate it go ahead and review! Fine by me. Trust me, the next chapter will be better.


	3. In which Hermione says Kibble, Lance mee...

~~~ Read and review. Flamers welcome. 

Right in front of Lance was a huge smock!!!!! 

            "Oh my lord," said Lance, "What a huge smock. That turns me on. So, smock, whatcha doin Friday night?"

            Silence.

            "Ok then. I can take a HINT. Whatcha doin Saturday night???"

            Silence.

            "Sunday?"

            Silence.

            "Monday?"

            "SURE!" said the smock. "That'd be MARVELOUS."

            Then Harry said, "I've decided to have a sex change. I think it's for the best."

            Silence.

            "Uh, nobody cares," said Voldemort in a sexy growl.

            "But then you might want me, Voldie, if I was a girl. Would you, my fairest love."

            "EWWWWWW, COOOOTTTIIIIEEESSSS!!!!" said Voldie.

            "Oh but Voldie! We have SOOO much in common!"

            Then Hermione said, "Harry, what IS that thing in your pants?"

            Harry blushed.

            "Oh IIIII know what it is," said lance, sneering at Harry. "It's a phone book, isn't it."

            "OK I'LL ADMIT IT!" harry cried. "IT IS A PHONE BOOK! I'VE BEEN HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A PHONE BOOK, OOKKKK??????"

            "Tsk tsk," said George.

            "How'd you get here?" said harry.

            "I don't know harry, I don't know."

            Harry shrugged his shoulders.

            "KIBBLE!!!!!" said hermione. Everyone stared at her. "Can't I have a little fun?"

Silence. "FINE!" So she went and had sex five times with Mickey Mouse.

            Just then a rabbit ate a snake.

~~~~~~ Find out why the rabbit ate the snake, why george is there, and why hermione said kibble, in the next chapter.

              
  



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